I'm not a selfish person. I don't want to see anyone suffer. I hate seeing others in pain. It is excruciatingly painful to watch someone who was strong for all of your life rapidly deteriorate into a wisp of the person they were & know that there's nothing you can do to stop it. I don't want to stand by helplessly. I don't want them to be in pain or feel weak, as if they are not themselves any longer. But there is a selfish part in me that never wants them absent my life, the part of me that wants them alive for all the times I need them in my future. I know they will always be with me. The grief comes from the times I would turn to them to share my joy with them or take comfort in them when things feel too big for me to carry on my own.
For me it's my dad. He's been gone more than 8 years & I do not miss him any less. There are days I miss him more than I could ever imagine. I don't sit around crying all day because he's gone but sometimes, usually without warning, I get hit with that grief so hard that a tear or two will spill over. Very often I want to call him to talk about what's going on with Ky. I wanted him to see our new house. I want to ask him for help with the woodstove hearth & new driveway entrance stonework. I want Jim to know him. I miss him more when I want to share happiness than sadness or frustration. Memories of him make me smile more often than they make me cry but always I wish he was still here, alive, with us instead of living on in our memories.
At this point I have more loved ones than I would like who have also lost their dad (or mom, or both). Whenever I hear someone has lost a parent or is losing one it gets me right in the heart. I can only offer my love. No words will take the hurt away. And while I'm in this shitty club that no one wants to join but here we are, I can't pretend to know how they're hurting. I only know how I hurt. I can use that knowledge to understand that they are changed forever. I can't tell them what they should be feeling or how they should get past it. There's no getting past it. Loss changes you. Some are better equipped to cope with loss.
Some are not equipped to cope with loss. I lost my dad & then I joined another shitty club...moms who watch their daughter lose her dad. So we have this thing in common & yet it is completely different for both of us. I can empathize with her loss. I have an idea when she might feel more sensitive or more sadness over missing her dad, but I don't know what's in her heart or on her mind. I was an adult. I got 27 years with my dad. He died too young & we didn't get much warning, but I got to say goodbye. She was, she is, a child. She got 12 years with her dad & no warning. He was here one day & gone the next. She has no closure & at 12 she had very little life experience to give her coping skills. She has developed some over the past 4 years, many aren't healthy.
Every day we are struggling. I struggle to lend her support & understanding while I enforce boundaries to keep her safe. She struggles to have her own voice, for freedom & control over her life. I think we are both exhausted. I know I am. I have very little time left before she goes out into this world on her own. Just a year & a half until she is called an adult. Everyday I fight to build her a strong foundation, to give her roots for stability & wings to fly. Most days she takes 90% of my energy...some days even more.
Recently...maybe not super recently...the past few years I balance between not losing my shit on her while at the same time I am advocating for her. I'm so aggravated with her self destructive behavior & I'm so frustrated by her refusal to let anyone help her. I want to scream. Instead I try to breathe, remind myself where this behavior is coming from & handle things. I go to meetings with school officials about her school attendance. I go to expulsion hearings (yes that is supposed to be plural) and try to figure out what it is that will keep her in school & help her be successful there. I set boundaries. I enforce consequences. I suspend privileges. I grit my teeth when well meaning family & friends suggest that I do all the things I have been doing all along. I go to counseling to better manage this. I go to counseling to work on my relationship with her. I try to get her to counseling to help her with coping skills & navigating her life.
I think the hardest thing I do is try to help people have an idea of what it is like to suffer this loss. I feel like it is minimized. "You lost your dad four years ago, you need to get over it." "You need to grow up & deal with this." I try explaining things as they've been explained to me. As a teen she isn't emotionally equipped to deal with this. I try shedding a bit of light on how I feel having lost my dad. Sometimes I even point out that they have lost a parent & know that you don't just get over it. We need to stop minimizing this. If you have never lost a parent, good for you. I hope you have many years left. I hope you get to watch them grow very old & live a long full life. If you have never lost a parent know that it is an unimaginable, devastating loss. It is something you will never get over. It will always be with you. Some days it will paralyze you. It won't destroy you, but you will never be the same. Try to remember this when you are dealing with someone who is being unreasonable or just plain awful because it might be the anniversary of their loss or the birthday of the one they've lost. They may not even realize why they are feeling sad or are so easily agitated.
Just to be clear, I am not saying acting like a jerk is excusable. I'm not saying loss gives you a free pass to do whatever you want, consequences be damned! I'm just saying everybody grieves differently so whether you have the experience or not, try to have a little patience. This shit is hard!