Hold on, pain ends

Tonight I called in reinforcement...as in law enforcement. I called the sheriff's office. I called the sheriff's office on my daughter. I hope your night is going better than mine.

I've been really doing my best to keep my biggest challenges private. I write the occasional blog about something that irritates me on "Does This Make Me A Hypocrite" & sometimes it gets a little real, but this is about to get REALLY real. It's been a really hard year with Ky. I guess for quite a few years I thought "why is this so hard...when are we going to get past this?" This past year though...really fucking hard. I tried to handle it. I'm handling it. Up until tonight I have been very vague when discussing any part of it in a public way. There's a handful of you that know all the details. Thank you for your support. I'm not writing this in hopes that anyone will come to my rescue & please do not take offense when I say this isn't a phase, part of being a teenage girl, sucks but it's totally normal, your kid was the same way....blah blah blah. Heard it. Thank you for trying to make me feel better. I truly appreciate the effort, but it's exhausting to keep nodding my head through these same lines of make you feel good bullshit. If you need to say something just stick with "I love you" or a hug. I'm too exhausted to keep kindly accepting anything else.

I continue to hope that one day I can look at my daughter & see success & happiness & hopefulness & know that she is whole & living the life of her dreams. I continue to hope all of that because right now I see darkness in her. It is terrifying. There's nothing I say or do that pulls her out of this abyss inside herself. She is angry & sad & hopeless...I'm not saying I've lost hope for her. She has lost hope for herself. It's the worst thing I have ever felt. There aren't words that can adequately describe the heartache.

The short story is that tonight I came home to find a rig I didn't recognize in my driveway, my house smelled like a dispensary & my daughter was not home. On my second time through her room I noticed my computer on her bed & luckily she was so high, or just careless, that she left it open & logged into her Facebook so I was able to read her messages & find out where she was. So I messaged her friend & asked that she be brought home. While I waited I continued reading messages. I found evidence confirming that she used the $50 I was missing to buy weed & once again was reminded how easily she lies right to my face. So I had Jim call the sheriff & then take Austin to stay with his mom for the night so he wouldn't be in the midst of this shit show.

If Ky were 18 she would be sitting in jail tonight for multiple counts of distributing an illegal substance to minors & attempting to purchase drugs using social media. These may not be the exact legal terms but you get the idea. Instead she is sleeping soundly in her bed tonight. She has no power cord for her TV, still no phone or laptop & now when I leave the house, if she isn't with me, I will have to take my laptop & the cord to the router so she can't get online on our main TV or as a guest on my laptop. I love living in a house where I can't leave anything laying around. No I don't...that was sarcasm. Nothing I own is sacred. When I leave she is going into my room, going through my shit, taking my shit, taking anything of hers that I may have confiscated & hidden. This is no way to live. This is how we live.

A deputy came out tonight & spent a lot of time speaking with us, speaking to Ky, really going out of his way to try to give us some support. He couldn't take her to jail. He could only handcuff her & let her sit in the back of his car for a while, hopefully thinking over what got her there. She was very candid with him. She told him more than most would, especially someone who had been read their Miranda rights. That's the thing about her, whether she's lying to your face or telling you the truth, she just gives it to you in a very matter of fact way. Like this conversation earlier in the week: Me-"Why does it smell like weed in here if you weren't smoking weed?" Ky-"Because I was smoking weed in the house." No change in expression & certainly no remorse. No worry that there might be a consequence for admitting something she denied (all lies) straight to my face multiple times in the past month. Just like "hmmm...whatever...no biggie."

Tonight I made a very difficult choice to call the police. I feel that I have exhausted all other options at this point. I don't know what else there is to do. Obviously not having a cell phone or laptop has not fixed her behavior. So I'm gonna say "I told you so" on that one. If I had $1 for every time that master plan has been suggested I definitely would be set for retirement...now...I could retire now & live very comfortably if I had a $1 for every time I heard that! Consequences are inconsequential to this one. She gives not one fuck about her lack of privileges, consequences or rebuilding trust. These things do not influence her choices in any way. I'm not sure how else to handle that. I've been getting as creative as I can. I'm trying my damnedest. I'm not seeing a lot of success here.

So tonight I will lay my weary head on my pillow. I will hold on to hope that we will survive this. I will have conflicting thoughts of "I'm so pissed at her I could scream" and "I better check on her one more time to make sure she's still alive." This is my reality. I spend as much time being aggravated as I do being terrified that she might do something stupid & not be here tomorrow. I walk a very fine line & on both sides it is very grim. I hope for a future where I don't live amidst this chaos. More than that I hope for a future where her thoughts are not chaos. Where she doesn't feel alone no matter who is with her & where she loves herself as much as I love her. I hope that one day she looks in the mirror & sees the beauty & light that the rest of us know is there trying to break out. I hope one day her story is not a cautionary tale that ends too soon but an inspiration of strength & perseverance.

Holding on to hope is hard shit, but without hope there is nothing.

Good Grief

That was a joke...not a funny joke. Sarcasm might be a better word. There's no good grief. If you're grieving you don't feel good. If you're grieving someone who was sick & has passed away you very likely hear some of these things: "they aren't hurting anymore", "they're in a better place", "their suffering is over". If you are grieving an unexpected loss I bet you get 1000 "this is all in His plan". This is meant to help you feel better, to show their support, to ease your pain. It comes from a place of good intentions & it usually helps a little. I can't speak for everyone. No two people grieve exactly the same. I can only speak to the grief I've experienced so here goes.

I'm not a selfish person. I don't want to see anyone suffer. I hate seeing others in pain. It is excruciatingly painful to watch someone who was strong for all of your life rapidly deteriorate into a wisp of the person they were & know that there's nothing you can do to stop it. I don't want to stand by helplessly. I don't want them to be in pain or feel weak, as if they are not themselves any longer. But there is a selfish part in me that never wants them absent my life, the part of me that wants them alive for all the times I need them in my future. I know they will always be with me. The grief comes from the times I would turn to them to share my joy with them or take comfort in them when things feel too big for me to carry on my own.

For me it's my dad. He's been gone more than 8 years & I do not miss him any less. There are days I miss him more than I could ever imagine. I don't sit around crying all day because he's gone but sometimes, usually without warning, I get hit with that grief so hard that a tear or two will spill over. Very often I want to call him to talk about what's going on with Ky. I wanted him to see our new house. I want to ask him for help with the woodstove hearth & new driveway entrance stonework. I want Jim to know him. I miss him more when I want to share happiness than sadness or frustration. Memories of him make me smile more often than they make me cry but always I wish he was still here, alive, with us instead of living on in our memories.

At this point I have more loved ones than I would like who have also lost their dad (or mom, or both). Whenever I hear someone has lost a parent or is losing one it gets me right in the heart. I can only offer my love. No words will take the hurt away. And while I'm in this shitty club that no one wants to join but here we are, I can't pretend to know how they're hurting. I only know how I hurt. I can use that knowledge to understand that they are changed forever. I can't tell them what they should be feeling or how they should get past it. There's no getting past it. Loss changes you. Some are better equipped to cope with loss.

Some are not equipped to cope with loss. I lost my dad & then I joined another shitty club...moms who watch their daughter lose her dad. So we have this thing in common & yet it is completely different for both of us. I can empathize with her loss. I have an idea when she might feel more sensitive or more sadness over missing her dad, but I don't know what's in her heart or on her mind. I was an adult. I got 27 years with my dad. He died too young & we didn't get much warning, but I got to say goodbye. She was, she is, a child. She got 12 years with her dad & no warning. He was here one day & gone the next. She has no closure & at 12 she had very little life experience to give her coping skills. She has developed some over the past 4 years, many aren't healthy.

Every day we are struggling. I struggle to lend her support & understanding while I enforce boundaries to keep her safe. She struggles to have her own voice, for freedom & control over her life. I think we are both exhausted. I know I am. I have very little time left before she goes out into this world on her own. Just a year & a half until she is called an adult. Everyday I fight to build her a strong foundation, to give her roots for stability & wings to fly. Most days she takes 90% of my energy...some days even more.

Recently...maybe not super recently...the past few years I balance between not losing my shit on her while at the same time I am advocating for her. I'm so aggravated with her self destructive behavior & I'm so frustrated by her refusal to let anyone help her. I want to scream. Instead I try to breathe, remind myself where this behavior is coming from & handle things. I go to meetings with school officials about her school attendance. I go to expulsion hearings (yes that is supposed to be plural) and try to figure out what it is that will keep her in school & help her be successful there. I set boundaries. I enforce consequences. I suspend privileges. I grit my teeth when well meaning family & friends suggest that I do all the things I have been doing all along. I go to counseling to better manage this. I go to counseling to work on my relationship with her. I try to get her to counseling to help her with coping skills & navigating her life.

I think the hardest thing I do is try to help people have an idea of what it is like to suffer this loss. I feel like it is minimized. "You lost your dad four years ago, you need to get over it." "You need to grow up & deal with this." I try explaining things as they've been explained to me. As a teen she isn't emotionally equipped to deal with this. I try shedding a bit of light on how I feel having lost my dad. Sometimes I even point out that they have lost a parent & know that you don't just get over it. We need to stop minimizing this. If you have never lost a parent, good for you. I hope you have many years left. I hope you get to watch them grow very old & live a long full life. If you have never lost a parent know that it is an unimaginable, devastating loss. It is something you will never get over. It will always be with you. Some days it will paralyze you. It won't destroy you, but you will never be the same. Try to remember this when you are dealing with someone who is being unreasonable or just plain awful because it might be the anniversary of their loss or the birthday of the one they've lost. They may not even realize why they are feeling sad or are so easily agitated.

Just to be clear, I am not saying acting like a jerk is excusable. I'm not saying loss gives you a free pass to do whatever you want, consequences be damned! I'm just saying everybody grieves differently so whether you have the experience or not, try to have a little patience. This shit is hard!