Hold on, pain ends

Tonight I called in reinforcement...as in law enforcement. I called the sheriff's office. I called the sheriff's office on my daughter. I hope your night is going better than mine.

I've been really doing my best to keep my biggest challenges private. I write the occasional blog about something that irritates me on "Does This Make Me A Hypocrite" & sometimes it gets a little real, but this is about to get REALLY real. It's been a really hard year with Ky. I guess for quite a few years I thought "why is this so hard...when are we going to get past this?" This past year though...really fucking hard. I tried to handle it. I'm handling it. Up until tonight I have been very vague when discussing any part of it in a public way. There's a handful of you that know all the details. Thank you for your support. I'm not writing this in hopes that anyone will come to my rescue & please do not take offense when I say this isn't a phase, part of being a teenage girl, sucks but it's totally normal, your kid was the same way....blah blah blah. Heard it. Thank you for trying to make me feel better. I truly appreciate the effort, but it's exhausting to keep nodding my head through these same lines of make you feel good bullshit. If you need to say something just stick with "I love you" or a hug. I'm too exhausted to keep kindly accepting anything else.

I continue to hope that one day I can look at my daughter & see success & happiness & hopefulness & know that she is whole & living the life of her dreams. I continue to hope all of that because right now I see darkness in her. It is terrifying. There's nothing I say or do that pulls her out of this abyss inside herself. She is angry & sad & hopeless...I'm not saying I've lost hope for her. She has lost hope for herself. It's the worst thing I have ever felt. There aren't words that can adequately describe the heartache.

The short story is that tonight I came home to find a rig I didn't recognize in my driveway, my house smelled like a dispensary & my daughter was not home. On my second time through her room I noticed my computer on her bed & luckily she was so high, or just careless, that she left it open & logged into her Facebook so I was able to read her messages & find out where she was. So I messaged her friend & asked that she be brought home. While I waited I continued reading messages. I found evidence confirming that she used the $50 I was missing to buy weed & once again was reminded how easily she lies right to my face. So I had Jim call the sheriff & then take Austin to stay with his mom for the night so he wouldn't be in the midst of this shit show.

If Ky were 18 she would be sitting in jail tonight for multiple counts of distributing an illegal substance to minors & attempting to purchase drugs using social media. These may not be the exact legal terms but you get the idea. Instead she is sleeping soundly in her bed tonight. She has no power cord for her TV, still no phone or laptop & now when I leave the house, if she isn't with me, I will have to take my laptop & the cord to the router so she can't get online on our main TV or as a guest on my laptop. I love living in a house where I can't leave anything laying around. No I don't...that was sarcasm. Nothing I own is sacred. When I leave she is going into my room, going through my shit, taking my shit, taking anything of hers that I may have confiscated & hidden. This is no way to live. This is how we live.

A deputy came out tonight & spent a lot of time speaking with us, speaking to Ky, really going out of his way to try to give us some support. He couldn't take her to jail. He could only handcuff her & let her sit in the back of his car for a while, hopefully thinking over what got her there. She was very candid with him. She told him more than most would, especially someone who had been read their Miranda rights. That's the thing about her, whether she's lying to your face or telling you the truth, she just gives it to you in a very matter of fact way. Like this conversation earlier in the week: Me-"Why does it smell like weed in here if you weren't smoking weed?" Ky-"Because I was smoking weed in the house." No change in expression & certainly no remorse. No worry that there might be a consequence for admitting something she denied (all lies) straight to my face multiple times in the past month. Just like "hmmm...whatever...no biggie."

Tonight I made a very difficult choice to call the police. I feel that I have exhausted all other options at this point. I don't know what else there is to do. Obviously not having a cell phone or laptop has not fixed her behavior. So I'm gonna say "I told you so" on that one. If I had $1 for every time that master plan has been suggested I definitely would be set for retirement...now...I could retire now & live very comfortably if I had a $1 for every time I heard that! Consequences are inconsequential to this one. She gives not one fuck about her lack of privileges, consequences or rebuilding trust. These things do not influence her choices in any way. I'm not sure how else to handle that. I've been getting as creative as I can. I'm trying my damnedest. I'm not seeing a lot of success here.

So tonight I will lay my weary head on my pillow. I will hold on to hope that we will survive this. I will have conflicting thoughts of "I'm so pissed at her I could scream" and "I better check on her one more time to make sure she's still alive." This is my reality. I spend as much time being aggravated as I do being terrified that she might do something stupid & not be here tomorrow. I walk a very fine line & on both sides it is very grim. I hope for a future where I don't live amidst this chaos. More than that I hope for a future where her thoughts are not chaos. Where she doesn't feel alone no matter who is with her & where she loves herself as much as I love her. I hope that one day she looks in the mirror & sees the beauty & light that the rest of us know is there trying to break out. I hope one day her story is not a cautionary tale that ends too soon but an inspiration of strength & perseverance.

Holding on to hope is hard shit, but without hope there is nothing.